Shielded
by livelovelast
Summary: Denial. It's sometimes the easiest form of dealing with death. In Kate's case, she believed that maybe denial would make it less real. She was wrong. jate, oneshot.


So this idea just came to me, and wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it. It takes place after the flashforwards, when Jack's all messed up on drugs and stuff. I wrote it quickly, so I hope there's no mistakes. Enjoy and please review if you do read it.

* * *

Kate wore sunglasses to his funeral. They were dark, the kind where you couldn't possibly see any trace of the eyes that lay behind them. She put them on as soon as she walked out the door, and didn't take them off until she got home that night.

It wasn't a sunny day.

It was actually quite rainy, clouds floating across the sky without a ray of sunshine. It wasn't typical L.A. weather, but it was fitting for that day.

She went with Sun. Didn't even bring her own car. Aaron was left at home with the nanny. She didn't want to put him through this. Besides, she couldn't be a mother today. She could only be heartbroken. It was the only emotion that made any sense.

Aaron. She had moved his room. Every time she looked inside the old one, all she heard was his voice, reading to Aaron with all the patience in the world, so convinced that he was failing at parenthood.

She had almost moved Aaron into the blue room. It made sense, with him being a boy, not to put him in the pink guest room. Then she remembered.

_"Come on, you have to stay here," Kate told him. "It's two in the morning, and besides, it's pouring out."_

_"Are you sure?" Jack asked. "I mean..."_

_"I have a guest room," she informed him, blushing lightly, "Two, actually."_

_"Okay, sure. I don't have a shift tomorrow or anything."_

_She beamed at him, and then showed him to his room. He got comfortable, and she left to her own bedroom. _

_She didn't stay there. Knowing he was right down the hall..._

_Their first time was in that blue guestroom._

People gave her funny looks when they saw her sunglasses. It was raining, after all. She didn't even take them off in the church.

She couldn't. If she took off the sunglasses, everyone would see that she was crying. Nonstop, throughout the entire day. The tears came silently, shielded by the dark sunglasses.

If she took them off, it would be real. Somebody would try and comfort her, tell her how sorry they were. No, she couldn't handle that. It would mean admitting he was gone forever.

The service wasn't long. She sat in the front row, next to his mother. Margo wept openly. She didn't wear any glasses. Kate wished she could comfort her, but that would mean admitting it. That's why no one could see her tears. If nobody saw them, maybe they weren't really there.

They reached the cemetery at about four o'clock. Once again, she was pushed to the front. She didn't want to see his body enter the ground, but she couldn't look away. He was _right_ _there_. So close, but so un-obtainable.

Everyone else left eventually. Sun whispered to her, "Kate, it's time to go. I'll give you a ride."

"No," Kate replied, so softly Sun had to strain to hear her. "I'll walk."

"It's six miles, Kate," Sun reminded her.

"I'll walk," Kate repeated, turning her head away from her friend, back to him.

A few minutes later, she heard Sun's footsteps die away. Heard a car ignition turn on.

She was finally alone. She didn't say a word.

* * *

It was starting to get dark all around. The rain had picked up, and it was pouring now. Just like that first night.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "So, so sorry."

It was late. Soon it would be almost dangerous to walk home. Reluctantly, she got up from where she was seated, casting one last look in his direction.

She knew Sun was following her home, far enough behind her that maybe she thought Kate couldn't tell. She took her time, finally arriving at her front door. She heard Sun's engine pick up, but she didn't look back.

She stopped in to kiss her son goodnight. The pink walls surrounded them. He was already asleep, and she was grateful. She heard the nanny moving around downstairs, but couldn't bring herself to go talk to her, hoping she would just leave on her own.

Instead, she walked down the hall, stopping at the second guest room. The blue one. She went inside and sat tentatively on the bed. The mirror showed her face, still shielded. She hadn't even taken off her sunglasses at the grave. She hadn't even shown Jack her tears.

Slowly, she lifted the sunglasses from her face. Her red, puffy eyes stared back at her, as tears continued to fall from them. She was afraid to look at herself, but at the same time, she couldn't look away. And she had to admit it now.

He was gone.


End file.
